The british masters

**zelazny** · July 16th, 2003, 02:17 PM

I just found this monty python sketch i could not withhold to you people [img]smile.gif[/img]

Behold!:
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Undertaker: Morning.
Man: Good Morning.
Undertaker: What can I do for you, squire?
Man: Um, well, I wonder if you can help me. You see, my mother has just died.
Undertaker: Ah well, we can help you. We deal with stiffs.
Man: What?
Undertaker: Well, there's three things we can do with your mum. We can bury her, burn her, or dump her.
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Man: Dump her?
Undertaker: Dump her in the Thames.
Man: What?
Undertaker: Oh, did you like her?
Man: Yes!
Undertaker: Oh well, we won't dump her, then. Well, what do you think? We can bury her or burn her.
Man: Well, which do you recommend?
Undertaker: Well, they're both nasty. If we burn her, she gets stuffed in the flames, crackle, crackle, crackle, which is a bit of a shock if she's not quite dead, but quick. (the audience starts booing) and then we give you handful of ashes, which you can pretend are hers.
Man: Oh.
Undertaker: Or, if we bury her she gets eaten up lots of weevils, and nasty maggots, (the booing increases) which as I said before is a bit of a shock if she's not quite dead.
Man: I see. Well, she's definitely dead.
Undertaker: Where is she?
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Man: She's in this sack.
Undertaker: Can I have a look? She looks quite young.
Man: Yes, yes, she was.
Increasing protests from audience
Undertaker: (calling) Fred!
Fred's voice Yeah?
Undertaker: I think we've got an eater.
Man: What?
Another Undertaker pokes his head round the door.
Fred: Right, I'll get the oven on. (goes off)
Man: Er, excuse me, um, are you suggesting eating my mother?

<font color="#6633ff" size="1">[ July 16, 2003 11:25 AM: Message edited by: zelazny ]</font>

**zelazny** · July 16th, 2003, 02:21 PM

Undertaker: Er ... Yeah. Not raw. Cooked.
Man: What?
Undertaker: Yes, roasted with a few french fries, broccoli, horseradish sauce ...
Man: Well, I do feel a bit peckish.
Voice From Audience: Disgraceful! Boo! (etc.)
Undertaker: Great!
Man: Can we have some parsnips?
Undertaker: (calling) Fred - get some parsnips.
Man: I really don't think I should.
Undertaker: Look, tell you what, we'll eat her, if you feel a bit guilty about it after, we can dig a grave and you can throw up in it.

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<font color="#6633ff" size="1">[ July 16, 2003 11:24 AM: Message edited by: zelazny ]</font>

**zelazny** · July 16th, 2003, 02:22 PM

A section of the audience rises up in revolt and invades the set, remonstrating with the performers and banging the counter, etc., breaking up the sketch.
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Zoom away from them and into caption machine; roll credits. The National Anthem starts. The shouting stops. Mix through credits to show audience and everyone on set standing to attention. As the credits end, fade out.

worshippy